Send to KindleI love it when people ask me questions about fat loss and exercise and nutrition and all that stuff–because those are the topics I get excited about. I want to help, so when you ask me a question, I get a kick out of listening, synthesizing your situation, and coming up with some suggestions that I believe will help you–if you implement them.
So far so good?
Brief trip down memory lane. Someone important in my life used to call me regularly to ask my advice on a difficult personal situation. I was concerned, and yes, I wanted to help. So I’d say, “What about this?” and “Have you tried that?”
I’m pretty good at brainstorming potential solutions to problems. But for some reason, this person came up with an excuse to explain why each suggestion wasn’t right for her. She resisted absolutely everything I came up with.
As in day after day.
For weeks.
The real problem was that the person on the other end of the phone didn’t actually want a solution.
Finally it dawned on me. She had no interest in changing. She wasn’t willing to do the work. She just wanted someone to listen to her complaints.
Back to the present.
So a few months ago I spoke with a friend who has a significant amount of weight to lose. He asked my advice, and I was happy to give some specific recommendations–small, very doable baby steps to implement that would help him gain momentum.
His response? He ignored the first several tips. And he said the final one “would be difficult because . . .”
Hello–tell me something I don’t know. Of course it’s going to be difficult.
What was he hoping for? A rainbows-and-unicorns solution that would peel off those pounds with no effort at all?
I’ve seen this many times with people who ask for weight-loss advice. I’ll talk about basics like portion control, reducing calories, improving one’s metabolism, making better food choices, and beginning an exercise program.
Some people get it—they get fired up and seek more information, more specifics so they can get started. They begin to see the possibilities, and they’re excited when they realize they have the power to change.
Others get a disappointed, disengaged look that says, “I thought you’d have something magical and exciting to tell me, but it’s the same old grind.”
I won’t lie to you: lifestyle change is difficult. But it’s worth it.
Ask anyone who’s lost the weight and made permanent changes in her life to keep it off.
In fact, ask anyone who’s ever accomplished anything: started a business, completed a degree, had a baby. Of course it was hard.
Look, you’re a grown-up, and you don’t have to listen to me or follow my advice.
But if you ask me for solutions and then have no intention of making changes, I would much rather have you tell yourself the truth: “No, I’m not willing to do that–at least not now.”
Maybe you’re not ready. It’s perfectly understandable and human. This may not be the time for you to commit to significant change. I get that, and I’m not going to lose respect for you or give you grief about it.
But don’t waste your time solution shopping, hoping someone else is going to hand you a no-sweat cure on a silver platter. Anyone who promises that is lying to you and wasting your time.
Instead of making excuses and telling yourself all the reasons why you can’t do something, ask instead, “How badly do I want this?”
The answer will tell you whether you’ve reached your tipping point.
Mary C. Weaver, CSCS
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: maverickny
May 14, 2012 at 6:55 pm
This sounds like a mindset issue, Mary, people have to WANT to change.
How do you get in their head and help with the psychology of making that change?
Twitter: themusclediva
May 14, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Oh, no argument here. The Stages of Change model explains it quite nicely:
http://www.addictioninfo.org/articles/11/1/Stages-of-Change-Model/Page1.html
I think the only way to help people proceed from contemplation to action is to provide support when it’s asked for and to continue to provide information that people will be able to use when they are ready.
Twitter: WorkoutNirvana
May 14, 2012 at 9:56 pm
Like I said in my tweet, I could have written this myself. After awhile you get a little cynical when someone says they want your advice. Because most of the time people really, really do not listen! Then you see them doing the same thing over and over again… getting the same results. And there’s nothing you can do. However… the minority who actually DO want it bad enough make it all worthwhile.
Twitter: themusclediva
May 15, 2012 at 2:46 pm
I hear you! It is so frustrating because you really do want to help people.
This is the question I need to ask everyone when they start. Of course it’s going to be hard. Especially in our world of immediate gratification. To set realistic expectations you have to know it’s going to take work. If it were easy we wouldn’t have the obesity rate and the host of related diseases that we do.
Twitter: themusclediva
May 15, 2012 at 2:47 pm
Yes–to set realistic expectations and help people realize it’s really OK that getting healthy will take some time.
The story of my career. I surmise that 90% of all people who attempt it, never realize their fitness goals. They fail for two primary reasons:
A) They don’t realize how hard it’s going to be — how much effort is truly involved.
B) The don’t realize how long it’s going to take to make a dent.
That’s it. People hear what they want to hear, and believe what they think they know. They simply seek professiona reaffirmation of their fantasies. Juan Ponce De Leon being the piper…
Twitter: themusclediva
May 15, 2012 at 2:49 pm
I’d add one more thing: They don’t realize how good they will feel if they just keep at it and put in the hard yards. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give people just one hour of being truly healthy. Maybe then they’d get hooked on the feeling!
Mary, you bring up such a good point here. Losing weight and getting healthier starts between the ears and until people have made a real decision inside to make changes, it just is lip service. The excuses have to stop for real progress to happen!
Hi Mary, is a bitter truth that with our busy schedules we often forget about the fitness and health. Most of us generally wait for issues to arise and then start emphasizing on our lifestyles.
I love your matter-of-factness about this! Its so true though – you have to really want it. Great post!
Hi Mary – this is so true. My parents are both morbidly obese (have been for many years) and it was breaking my heart, literally on a daily basis. No matter how much I tried to educate them, expressed my concern, even got angry (I know, not good) none of it made a difference. There was always some excuse why they couldn’t make small changes to improve their health.
My sisters and I had an intervention with them a few months ago. At first, they were shocked but then relieved that we cared enough about them to do it. They both joined Weight Watchers last month and are doing fantastic. They have started exercising too.
Anyway, back to your point, the individual truly has to be ready to make the change. They knew it was time and I don’t think our intervention would’ve been nearly as effective if they hadn’t, on some level, been ready.
Twitter: themusclediva
May 29, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Alison, this gives me chills. Thank God you cared enough to intervene—but as you say, your folks had to be ready. I’m happy to hear they are doing so well!
Thanks for visiting and commenting!
I would like your help with fat-loss.
Twitter: themusclediva
May 31, 2012 at 9:06 am
Leigh Ann–
Please drop me a line by e-mail. It’s maryweaver{@}primefit{.}org.
Twitter: Linda_Mattacks
June 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm
This one got to me because I found almost exactly the same thing when I was talking to owners of small businesses who wanted more profitable customers. They did, too, but many of them didn’t want it badly enough to put in the work to learn the skills and consistently apply them with activities that would over time bring those results about… they’d rather whinge about what was wrong than put the same amount of energy into putting it right…
How important is this to you? Or similar, is indeed a necessary and early crunch question to be asked.
One point with the weight and fitness issue though just occurred to me:
Yes, it will doubtless take time to get to the individual’s optimum shape and fitness levels and yet surely it will in most cases be a darn sight quicker than the length of time they took to get into their current physical state: After all, we don’t pile on pounds and pounds of lard overnight, do we?